


Grieve but let yourself feel cheer, he'd want you to be smiling

by DragonQueenTessa



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: A bit of couple banter, Angst with a hopeful/happy ending, Candy, Dorks in Love, Gavin is kinda childish in this at times but I like it?, Grief/Mourning, Halloween Celebration, Halloween Costumes, Handmade decorations, Hankcon Halloween exchange, I like rat man as a cute boi, Idiots in Love, M/M, References to conservative christian background, Trick or Treating, arts and crafts, dealing with grief, halloween decorations, loss of a child
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 17:22:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21256904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonQueenTessa/pseuds/DragonQueenTessa
Summary: Hank isn't the biggest fan of festivities. Had never really been a party animal, but the loss of his little boy had only served to rend his heart completely asunder. Still healing little by little every day, he's glad to have his fiance's support and care in the journey to be more at peace with himself in the aftermath of his loss.Halloween is tough on him, but with the right help, a flash of inspiration and a load of enthusiasm, he can start the uphill climb.





	Grieve but let yourself feel cheer, he'd want you to be smiling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mango_Lioncat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mango_Lioncat/gifts).

He couldn’t do it. For years now he had promised himself he’d work on it, but he just kept falling back into that pit. He had silently promised Cole he wouldn’t be a hermit for the entire year, that he’d try to be a part of the outside world during times of cheer. But it was so hard. So many of the world’s holidays, almost all of those in the US, centred in some way around celebrating life. He could deal with and even enjoy some events, but...

Children's holidays were the worst by far. Without his little boy happy at his side, it had for a long time seemed like things weren’t worth it anymore, and he for years avoided the cheer like it were a blight. Neither of his two cousins had ever become fathers, and he had no siblings for whom’s kids to play uncle. Jeff had a young girl, but Hank hadn’t seen her much, especially not after what happened to Cole.

He was rarely around kids for long these days, and that unfortunately only served to make these holiday harder on him. His fiance had a young niece, but he’d had little contact with his own family for years now. Hank had never met her, and he doubted her family would let her know that her estranged uncle had a same-sex lover, much less one old enough to be a grandpa.

While Hank stews on in his thoughts, the front door of his house swings open with a familiar curse as someone half-stumbled in.

Off days were hard to match between them, they rarely had much time together at all. With Hank finally scrabbling back onto the Red Ice task force he’d once spearheaded, he and Hank rarely worked together anymore and both still had long days. Despite that, and really because of it, they made the most of every spot of free time they shared.

Hank’s depression had been beat back a fair bit the last few years. There were still flare-ups and worse periods, but both men were happy to see his progress. The support groups Hank was in really helped him.

Rounding the corner to drop himself onto the couch by his to-be husband’s side, Gavin gives his big, gentle bear love a kiss to the cheek in greeting. Hank chuckles at the tickle of his thin beard as Gavin moves down to his neck, and the smaller man latches onto his side eagerly.

“How are you, babe?” Gavin asks, nuzzling his handsome king’s strong neck. Hank shrugs minutely. “About the same as things’ve been for me for years in this season.”

The nonspecific answer would seem to contain little information from an outside perspective, but it tells Gavin all he needs to know. “Yeah, Halloween’s but a few nights away again huh?”

Hank snorts. “You know how it is. All that stuff about ‘the Spooky Season’.”

Gavin smiles, just a bit. Not a happy smile, but one that conveys that he understands Hank is hurting. "Probably not in the mood for treats yourself, huh?" He asks. "Brought a few of your faves anyway, feel free to grab a couple whenever. But no getting nauseous off the sugar."

Hank chuckles and pitches his voice a little higher when he responds. "Yes, _mother._"

Gavin immediately elbows him in response of course. It's all in good fun, though. "But really, you keeping a grip on your sanity?" He asks again, laying back down against the lieutenant.

Kissing him on the top of his head, Hank nods softly, scritching his beard against Gavin's gelled strands. "Yeah. Really think I should be trying harder, though. I know you adore kids, hell I do too and that's why I get so anxious thinking about what could happen… and, just- I don't want to be a downer every season, I wanna stop hiding from the cheer of kids' holidays, I-"

He pauses, sucking his lips in frustratedly. Gavin wraps his arms around his fiance's huge body, seeking to comfort him. "You can tell me anything, Hank." He encourages.

"I just want to be able to welcome some trick-or-treatin' kids again, just a couple," Hank laments. "-without feeling like I'll be ill or seconds away from tears. I want to be a part of this little neighborhood during the holidays, like it used to be. And with you…"

Gavin raises himself onto his knees to come eye-to-eye with his lover. So beautiful and headstrong, but so taken hostage by his loss even now. He kisses him, softly. "Let's give it a try. How about starting with decorations? At least to get some Halloween spirit in the house before the tricking and treating begins."

Hank leans into the touch, nodding against the brown locks of his partner. "Where should we go to buy some?"

Gavin grins and makes Hank meet his eyes. "Buying them ready to go is a waste of money, dummy. You got any crafting supplies? Making stuff from scratch is so much more fun!"

The crows' feet around Hank's eyes crinkle up tighter as he smiles at the instant burst of enthusiasm. "That's true. I've got scissors, wood glue, might still have that old fretsaw in the garage… not sure about paint or paper, though. We might need to improvise. Oh, and what do we do for dinner? Have you eaten yet?"

"I haven't," Gavin confesses. Honestly, eating is the last thing on his mind after Hank admitted to wanting to give a Halloween a shot again. "We could go out and get Chinese takeout after we take stock of our available supplies?"

Hank liks the idea of that, their local Chinese food joint is a really good one after all. "Let's go then, see what we're working with."

They dig out crafting items from the storage boxes in the garage. Hank never touches the old small crates with the kids' toys and crayons, and Gavin never mentions them. They collect three(!) tubes of wood glue ("So I really didn't go through my wood glue as fast as I thought. Just kept loosing the damn tubes." / "Hey, will help us not run out during our craftpalooza!"), the saw Hank had left to collect dust, and some heavy-duty scissors. They even find a quarter-bucket of usable black paint and some unused grey-brown wallpaper.

"Yeesh, I'd like to have a talk with past-me about this atrocity." Hank mutters, rolling it out to look at the pattern. "It looks _rusted_, and I wanted to 'decorate' my house with that?! Looks suitably Halloween-y, though. That's about all it's contributing to the world by existing."

Gavin makes his way over to take a peek. "Hell yeah, we could use that for a werewolf, maybe? You sure it wasn't your ex who bought that at some point?"

Hank chuckles and lifts the roll of wallpaper to check for cobwebs. "Nah, Mel would've rather died than cover a wall with this gloomy travesty. I wonder how I ever convinced her we should buy it. She is a big fan of birch wood and similar colours. Light and rustic, that was how she designed everything she got to choose around the house. And not a bad house it is, huh?"

"You two made a really nice house." Gavin agrees. "How's she doing these days?" He asks while he and Hank collect their garage-scouring haul into the middle of the space.

"Still single, but absolutely killing it with her career." Hank replies easily, sorting wood scraps he found by thickness. "Three of the most important recent papers on the safety of city waste networks came from her in just two years. Brilliant woman, even if I don't get the scientific jargon of her field. She's shown me pictures of her new place and it looks really good."

Gavin sits himself on the floor, brainstorming some design or other on a noteblock. "I'm glad you guys are still friends."

They settle after that, and get to work. At one point, Hank suddenly recalls where he had left a stack of coloured paper long ago. It's tucked away next to Cole's old stuff, but the map holding the paper looks intact, and Hank perseveres and adds the paper to the pile. A mish-mash of shades of yellow and pink (Cole's favourite colours) make for a not-so Halloweenish range of options, but they also find some sheets of bright orange, green and some darker paper.

"I think we could make the yellow work. Nice and autumnal." Gavin suggests. Then, he perks up. "Leaves! It's autumn, we should go outside and pick some leaves before it gets totally dark! That'll help us find a splash of red as well."

Hank smiles at his love's excitement. It's clear to see that Gavin really loves the fall season. His old small-town countryside boy personality is rearing its' head. "Sounds like a fun idea. I'll grab a bag, we'll go outside and drive around to look for leaves to use. We could go straight to the Chinese place after we're done too."

"Two birds with one stone, let's fucking go." Gavin agrees.

They drive around for close to an hour, collecting as many mostly-intact and dry fallen leaves as they can. Gavin may have at one point thrown a handful of the things in Hank's hair, followed by a swift retribution from his fiance, and they later stumble, still snickering and plucking dirt and stems out of their hair, into the take-out of choice.

Twenty minutes later, they are sat in the garage eating their Chinese food straight out of the bioplastic boxes, discussing what they want to craft. Hank only has a small amount of flat wood large enough to saw into specific shapes, so it's important to work out a plan for it.

"So, bats, and vampires and… mummies? That our go-to's?" Hank asks, stuffing his mouth with Babi Panggang and an assortment of grilled veggies. Gavin nods, scarfing down his noodles. "Zombies are overdone," He harps, waving his chopsticks. "-and I always thought mummies were cooler. I loved wrapping myself in toilet paper when I was a little brat… Ancient Egypt and curses, neat stuff like that. Vampires might be cliché too but in my defense, shapeshifters are way cooler than the everyday shuffling dead."

Hank has to chuckle at his fiance's Very Strong Opinions On Halloween Beasts, Gavin never was one to not make his voice heard. "Vampires _are_ cool." The lieutenant agrees.

"Oh!" Gavin exclaims suddenly. "We're crafting our own stuff anyway… why not make something up?"

"Come on Gav, I'm long past my early twenties, I don't have that kind of college-kid-on-drugs imagination anymore…" Hank jokes, but Gavin interrupts him with "A rat."

"A what?" Hank responds. "A rat." Gav repeats, with determination. "I say we make a rat. Now it's your turn to name something. Imagination doesn't have to be complex Hank! We're not writing a novel, are we?"

"Uhhhh…" Hank utters, thinking. "How about…… a bear?" Gavin grins at his reply and scribbles it onto his notepad. "A ratbear… or a bearrat…" The younger man considers. "-some crazy hybrid held together by bandages and anger. Spookier than a wolf, more original than just a heap of spiders… something like from _Annihilation!_"

Hank puts a big hand on Gavin's then. "Hol' up cowboy, we're just trying things out for the first time, don't wanna _scare away_ the kids. I know the young fella across the street keeps pet rats, we shouldn't make a creepy monster rat-thing."

Gavin looks a bit guilty at that, so Hank continues in a lighter tone. "I do like the name Bearrat… sounds like a title of sorts. 'Bearrat the Fluffy'. Maybe he wears bandages of toilet paper because he wants to be a trick-or-treater too and doesn't wanna go as _himself?_ Enter Mummy Bearrat!"

His fiance lights up at that, almost childlike. "That's so good… you're better at the Halloween _cheer_ part than I am! I always wanted to see really creepy stuff when I was little, but a lot of my friends didn't like the paper-mache zombies with eyes hanging out… your idea is way more kid-friendly. Pharaoh Bearrat, back from the dead!"

They laugh at their sudden mutual enthusiasm, and quickly decide to use the big plate of wood to cut out Pharaoh Bearrat in one large piece. Gavin, having the steadier hand for drawing, sketches up designs, and Hank draws the approximate outline on the wood. They finish within an hour, and spend the rest of the evening discussing what other materials to use.

("So, toilet paper, wood… oh! We could use that awful wallpaper for his fur. And a big spring for the tail?" / "Don't think I have a spring long enough in my house. Maybe cloth for his rat tail? If it's white it'll already look wrapped in bandages. Maybe springs for the whiskers though? We could glue them to his face." / "Sounds like a great plan Hank.")

They call it quits at around 23:00, deciding that they should have enough time to get Pharaoh Bearrat done before the night of Halloween. Curling into bed together, sleep finds them quick after an evening of unusually high activity (of a sort that _didn't_ for a large part take place in the bedroom).

\------------------------------------------------

They get work done early the next day. Just some paperwork and finishing up two sites they were working on independently. They get food to-go at a tiny restaurant near the precinct, and set off for home (Gavin with a cheap plastic jack-o-lantern basket he just _had_ to buy for Pharaoh Bearrat in his lap. Hank questions his 'Gavvie' for loving Bearrat more than his own fiancé and Gavin promptly attacks him with a hard wet kiss to prove him wrong.)

Once home, Hank gets started on sawing their project out of the rest of his wooden sheet confines. Two minor injuries, a meal and two hours later, the rough shape of Pharaoh Bearrat is freed. Gavin unleashes all his repressed creativity on cutting the ugly brownish wallpaper into something that resembles shaggy fur, and glues patches onto the wooden board. Hank wrenches some metal springs out of what used to be one half of a small couch, and uses a string of yellow and orange leaves to give their project something that might resemble a pharaoh's headdress from a distance.

Some tattered length of fabric is recruited to act as Bearrat's tail, and by the time they are finished, their project is damn near complete, standing one meter and fourty-three centimeters tall. It just needs a little more fur, a more discernible face, and the toilet-paper mummy look.

"Looking nice," Gavin sighs, his dominant hand tired from handling a pair of scissors for a prolonged stretch of time. "Want a coffee?" Hank inquires, and Gavin gladly takes him up on his offer.

"Could you cut vampire bats out of the black and grey paper we got?" Gavin asks in between sipping at his latte. For a fella as fiery as him, he surprisingly doesn't often drink his coffee black. "My hand aches from cutting through thick wallpaper for hours."

Hank pulls his lover close and finishes off his cup of coffee, afterwards nuzzling through that soft brown hair. "Of course, Gav. I'll handle cutting the last bit of Bearrat's fur too."

And so they proceed, Gavin fetching the toilet paper they'll use to partially mummify Bearrat, and hanging the plastic trick-or-treating basket from his flat wooden 'paw'. He even manages to find a tiny green LED light somewhere, which they decide to use for their character's eye ("Gotta have _some_ spooky elements.", Gavin insists).

By the end their project looks more like a bear with a particularly long face and a strange fabric tail than an actual rat-bear hybrid, but they are happy with their work. Hank's painted the lines of the limbs, and Gavin added detail to the smiling face and pink inside of the rat ears. They spend a bit more time creating paper bats with little pointy fangs, and agree to shelve the idea of making another toilet-paper mummy character. With Halloween happening tomorrow night, they won't have the material and time.

"It was fun doing some crafting, lord knows it's been years." Gavin sighs, leaning against his fiance. Hank kisses his temple and nods. "Yeah, way more fun than buying something from the store."

They are quiet for a while, sat side by side on the stone steps leading down to the garage floor, both staring at their impromptu creation. The inevitable question hangs heavy between them.

"Sooo… you think you're ready?" Gavis asks carefully, looking up to study Hank's expression. The lieutenant doesn't let the weight of those words show on his face, but Gavin catches the tell-tale motion of a throat muscle that always starts to flutter when Hank is anxious.

"Everything will be alright. You'll make it." The smaller man replies to his love's silence. He lays a warm hand on Hank's upper leg, knowing Hank finds the touch somewhat soothing. He'll always fidget bodily in some way while talking through a difficult subject.

"Quoting the androids now, Gavvie?" Hank says with a careful smile. "Shit, I should take some pictures of Bearrat so Connor can laugh about his human together with his 'droid buddies on the other side of the world."

"That bastard," Gavin says as he rolls his eyes in jest. "_'political travels, we'll be working constantly, it's not a holiday detective'_ my entire asshole. Guy's been there for close to a year now and we all know androids can think a gazillion times faster than us, I bet he has every day outside of talks free to go explore wherever he is at that moment. Wish we had that kinda time."

Hank mh-hm's in agreement. They quiet again, and Gavin raises himself up a little to kiss at the shell of his partner's ear. "Wanna go get some sleep? I think these are some pretty cool decorations. Let's leave it at this and take stock of our candy supply in the morning."

Still uneasy but fairly tired, Hank agrees. They brush their teeth (and Gavin tries in vain to make Hank try his revolting coconut mouthwash), feed Sumo and retreat under the covers. They don't go to sleep right away, though. Oh no, Gavin knows the good a nice orgasm does as a sleeping aid to one nervous Hank Anderson. Once that is taken care off, they doze off easily.

\------------------------------------------------

The next morning, Gavin checks through the snack cabinet for stuff suitable for giving out to the trick-or-treaters that would be hitting the street tonight. Hank focuses on getting themselves set for work, two after-breakfast coffees freshly brewed on the kitchen table.

When they get to work, they see that a few colleagues took the liberty to decorate the precinct in fun but non-disruptive ways. A black sticker on the glass of Jeffrey's 'fishbowl' office reads "Abandon all hope ye who enter here.".

The side panels of Ben's desk have been swarmed by black bats with white wings, and white bats with black wings ("My boyfriend made them, he started reading Dracula recently and he is completely fascinated by the concept of vampires."), Tina is even doing rounds handing out candy bars in between her work.

"Mornin' boys," The local flaming gay lesbian greets them, launching a coco choco bar in Gavin's direction, and politely pressing a honey caramel bar into Hank's hand. "You sure perk up 'round Halloween, ey Teenie?" Gavin teases as they walk back to their desks, leaving Hank to go to his own desk with the new Red Ice task force.

Hank unfortunately has to remain at the precinct a while longer when he gets an extra scene to oversee for a while. He takes an autocab home in the dark, and enters the home to the welcome smell of Gavin's cooking. While Hank specializes in more Eastern types of foods, Gavin was born and raised on Southern-US cuisine, and his cooking is always a damn tasty experience.

"Hi love," Gavin greets when Hank wraps his arms 'round his lover's waist, front flush to his smaller companion's back. "Tiiiired…" Hank mutters, failing to stealthily extract a chunk of pork from the melting pot of well-heated ingredients, as Gavin swiftly places his spatula between his food and Hank's impatient fingers.

"Naw naw, that's not how we appreciate a man's cooking now is it?" Gavin accuses, setting two plates and piling his creation on them. "We wait 'till mama serves it and we all said our prayers to our Lord in Heaven~" He goes on, clearly taking the piss out of the doctrine he and his brothers and sisters were raised on. Hank relents and collects some cutlery for the both of them, pouring himself a glass of water and playing along with the jest by settling in a mock-prayer pose.

"Long day in your part of the precinct, huh?" Gavin asks when he sets their respective plates down and seats himself across from his lover. "Oh yeah," Hank immediately confirms. "You still can't park my car worth shit, by the way."

Gavin chuckles and points his fork accusingly Hank's way. "Hey, that old car steers like a bloody rhinoceros." Lowering his utensil, he continues eating. "But I'll try harder, I know you love that dinosaur of a machine."

They spend some more time talking about their day, but when Gavin asks Hank if he'll set Pharaoh Bearrat up outside the door, the lieutenant quiets down.

"Hey. Hank," Gavin prompts softly. "-it's okay if things aren't perfect this year, you're allowed to feel anxious and sad. This is just the first try, and I'm sure the kids will like the decor. Maybe we'll keep him around for next year, or make him look even better for Halloween 2042."

The sheer amount of grief still resident in Hank's beautiful eyes even now, never fails to sadden Gavin a little, but they are both working hard to improve his ability to cope. "I want to try." Hank eventually decides, that stubbornness of his coming to the forefront. He's made the promise to try, not just to Cole, but to _Gavin._

"I'm proud of you Hank," is his reply, after which Gavin reaches over to hold Hank's hand over the table surface, his thumb tenderly tracing the rough surface of Hank's knuckle before he moves in to kiss his love.

Hank gets the dishes dishwasher-ready while Gavin re-adjusts the living room lighting to better suit the mood of a most spooky ev'ning. While his boyfriend is in the garage to move Bearrat, he also places a bowl of snacks, serving the dual purpose of giving the two of them ready access to a bite while they watch Horror b-movies, and functioning as the portable grabbing bowl of yummies to reward trick-or-treaters with.

When Hank inevitably asks the question of 'what if no-one comes?', Gavin offers him a reassuring smile. "Two kids were here before you got home, and that was before Bearrat was even in place. I'm sure they'll tell some others that the Anderson house is accepting scary visitors now."

His love settles down against his side on the couch then, and they switch to a channel broadcasting 'Birdemic 6(66)', both of them relaxing and soon laughing at the terrible effects and graphics of the notorious 2024 film.

About ten minutes following the start of the 'experience' that is Birdemic 6(66), the doorbell rings twice. Gavin offers to take it, but Hank is determined to beat his losing streak. He rises from the couch, snack bowl in hand, and opens the door he'd covered in bats.

He's greeted by a pack of four kids, roaring and screeching in their dragon and zombie costumes, little zombie-painted fingers reaching up and a small chorus of "Candy… candy…" rising from the undead and animal troupe.

"Nice dragon suit Aeyden," Hank greets one of the neighbors' kids, trying not to get misty-eyed at the sight. Gods, Cole had loved everything about dragons. They were just like dinosaurs but better, because they could fly ("Papa, the things that flew were not dinosaurs! Stop getting it wrong!").

Cole hadn't been able to choose between being a dragon and dressing as a knight for his last Halloween, so he had decided to do both (no rule saying you couldn't). Dressed in his yellow dragon hoodie with a neon pink paper-maché dragon head covering his own and a foam broadsword in hand, he'd had some of the best candy haul of the street that year.

"Trick or treat, mister Anderson!" Aeyden exclaims, holding his basket with snacks close to him in anticipation. "Let's go for a treat," Hank replies, hiding a sniffle behind a chuckle. "don't want you rascals covering my house in toilet rolls or something. Speaking of toilet rolls, you guys met this fella yet?"

He pats the wooden cut-out of Pharaoh Bearrat, and smiles when little Denny yells "He's cool!". Hank gives every child a pick from the bowl, and waves them goodbye when they move on to the next residence.

Goodness. He managed to keep his shit together somehow. The moment he closes the door behind him though, the tears start to fall. Gavin is immediately at his side, having probably prepared himself with tissues in hand. "Shh, shh, you did great Hank, those kiddos were happy to see you."

Hank nods, but another fat tear works its' way out, and his face colours redder. "There was a dragon, Aeyden had a dragon costume."

Gavin knows the story of Cole the Knight-dragon. Hank had proudly shown off half a photoshoot at the precinct that year. Cole with his mother, Cole riding his father's back, Cole stuffing candy into the mouth of his eye-bleedingly bright unicolor dragon mask.

"I'll get you some water Hank, just go take a seat," Gavin whispers, getting on his tip-toes to kiss away Hank's last tear, after which he moves to the kitchen.

Hank does as was suggested to him, dumping himself inelegantly back onto the couch and reaching immediately for a disgustingly sour hard candy. He doesn't like them, but the sourness is so revolting he has no choice but to focus on it. Thank fate Gavin didn't set beers or anything stronger out for drinks. He thinks they might not even have alcohol in the house right now, which is really only for the best.

Gavin returns with a tall glass of water and a full pitcher in hand, placing both down. Hank sips his water, reorganizes his thoughts, and goes back to half-watching the movie, partially thinking about how fucking much he loves Gavin. Stubborn, snarky, bratty, bold Gavin. His husband to-be and a sweet little shithead with his own set of problems, but such a big heart to offer to people.

The doorbell rings again a few minutes later, and this time Hank lets Gavin take it. He kept most of his promise by trying his best, and next year he'll be better.

From the open doorway, he hears a gaggle of kids ooh-ing and aah-ing as Gavin explains (with lots of imagination) how he ('mister Anderson Two!') and Hank wrestled with a roll of _haunted wallpaper_ to give Pharaoh Bearrat his fur.

It will be a road with hurdles, but Hank is convinced he'll love Halloween again someday. He feels a tear trail down his cheek again, but it doesn't feel like defeat this time.

**Author's Note:**

> My contribution to the Hankcon & other Halloween exchange, and my gift to our dear TJ member Mango! (I admire u SO MUCH!!!! NOTHING I DO COULD EVER MEASURE UP TO YOUR WORDSMITHING!!!)
> 
> Loved writing it, love the ship (Ratbear for life!), and adore the TJ community!
> 
> Whew, I'm relieved I could fight against my depressive episode just enough to get this done in the nick of time...
> 
> PS: Did you see the secret ship in the DPD portion of the third section? Who could that mystery boyfriend be? ;)


End file.
